The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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