Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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