He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
