Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
