I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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