I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your penis caused this!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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