She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
