Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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