you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
