I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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