apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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