PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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