I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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