He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
