That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
