Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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