you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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