i love accidental penises.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
