Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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