I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
