i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
