Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
