He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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