1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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