new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.