hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
