oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was confusing and full of hummus
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
