I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
