All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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