I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
