I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
