Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
