I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
