It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize