he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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