my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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