they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
