In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
