Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
