i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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