i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
