I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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