Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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