The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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