I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
