She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
