I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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