I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
