I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
