Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
