We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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