my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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