Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We need to get me chipped asap
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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