I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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