My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
