I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
