I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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