My cat gives me a boner
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
