How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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